


Chasing a Shadow

by cienna



Category: Hikaru no Go
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Pining
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-09
Updated: 2016-02-22
Packaged: 2018-04-30 19:50:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 16,035
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5177549
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cienna/pseuds/cienna
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An intense encounter with Touya causes Hikaru to confront his feelings.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Heat

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is a repost from ff.net with some revisions. And an actual ending!

Shindou Hikaru placed a stone on the Go board almost lazily, suppressing the urge to yawn. It had been a long day at school, and he had been up late the night before studying for an especially difficult history exam. He knew he wasn't playing his best, but his best just seemed to require too much concentration at the moment, especially when he was playing against someone who was difficult to keep up with on a good day.

Hikaru glanced at his opponent across the table and immediately began to regret his thoughtless move. Touya Akira was playing with the usual intense look in his green eyes, his face slightly flushed. Hikaru watched his response with a mixture of apprehension and ambivalence. Hikaru was losing so badly at this point that he just couldn't bring himself to care about the game. He hesitated before making his next move, his hand hovering over the Go board. He ran over different scenarios in his head, trying to decide if he should just resign. Before he could decide on a move, however, he was interrupted.

"Why did you invite me over here if you weren't even going to try?" Touya’s voice was a hint sharper than usual. 

Hikaru looked up from the Go board, surprised. Touya had seemed completely calm and composed since he had arrived. He hadn’t even seemed annoyed at Hikaru’s usual teasing. "Sorry, Touya, I'm kind of tired today." Hikaru felt bad, but what was he supposed to say? He usually gave every game his all, at least against Touya. But he could feel his eyelids getting heavier and heavier and all he really wanted to do was curl up on his bed and go to sleep.

"That's no excuse. I'm tired too, Shindou, but I would never give a game anything other than my complete concentration. You're wasting my time."

Hikaru glared at him. He was beginning to get angry. What right did Touya have to talk to him like that, when he had invited the other boy over to his house just so they could play without all the people staring at them in the Go Salon. "What's your problem? I said I was tired, and I'm sorry if I'm not concentrating once out of the five hundred times we've played each other. If I'm wasting your time so much, then leave. I'm sure you can find lots of people who would pay to play you. You don't need me."

"I don't want to play other people. Why do you think I'm here? And I don't understand you. Someone who won't even concentrate on Go doesn't deserve to play at your level." Touya's words came faster, his face pale except for two spots of color that darkened his cheeks. "What's with your holier than thou attitude today? I said you can leave if I'm not playing up to the special Touya Akira standards." Hikaru realized that he was now shouting and wondered how their argument had escalated to this point. Or what it was even about. He felt a rush of shock when Touya stood up abruptly, knocking over the Go board and sending stones flying everywhere.

"Fine. I'm leaving. I'll never understand you." 

Hikaru’s confusion quickly melted away into anger. "Well I don't understand you either, so I guess we have that in common. You pretend to be my friend and then when I invite you over you yell at me for no reason. Why don't you go play your father a few more times? Better that he deal with your stupid obsessiveness than me. Don't you ever think about anything besides Go?" Hikaru actually felt bad as he saw his comments register on Touya's face. Then the anger in Touya's expression seemed to disappear and was replaced with a cold indifference that Hikaru found even more disturbing.

"I said I was leaving." Touya's voice was soft, but Hikaru heard something in it that caused his breath to catch. It was pain. And he had been the one to cause it. He felt a sinking sensation in his stomach that made him feel almost sick. Touya gathered his things and turned to go.

"Wait!" Hikaru’s hand reached out to catch the edge of Touya's sleeve, but just as he touched it Touya seemed to lose his balance and collapse back towards Hikaru. It was all he could do to catch Touya before he slid to the floor. He gave a small gasp as he felt Touya's body pressed against his, Touya's warm breath against his neck, his dark hair brushing Hikaru's cheek. Hikaru brushed his hand to Touya's forehead, feeling the heat there and it suddenly registered that he must have a fever. Maybe that explained why Touya had been acting completely irrationally.

Touya's voice was barely above a whisper now and he had to lean in to hear it. "I'm sorry Shindou, I don't think I'm feeling very well. You're right. I shouldn't have come. I just wanted to see you."

Hikaru tried not to focus too much on the fact that Touya had said see you instead of play you. "Don't be stupid! I'm sorry for what I said. Lie down here." He helped Touya move carefully over to the bed. "I'll call your parents."

"No, please, I'm fine. I can walk home. Just give me a few minutes." Touya pushed himself up to a sitting position with Hikaru's assistance. Hikaru looked at him incredulously. "What are you talking about? You just fainted. There's no way I'm letting you walk home. Why do you act this way anyway? It's not like you're immortal or something, even if you play Go that way."

"Please." Touya's eyes opened and locked into his with a strange intensity. "I just want to stay with you a little longer."

Hikaru's breath caught in his throat at Touya's words. He began to become uncomfortably aware of how close they were sitting. Touya’s eyes were still glittering with that scary intensity that Hikaru knew was more than just the fever. Unable to move, he could only watch as Touya leaned forward slightly, his lips brushing gently against Hikaru's. Everything else in the room seemed to melt away as he felt himself focus on that small point of contact. A wave of heat passed through Touya's lips that seemed to rush into him, making his whole body tremble. Touya pressed harder against him and Hikaru felt like he was burning, like the fever had somehow spread to him. He found his hands tangled in Touya's hair as he leaned into the kiss and felt himself begin to lose control. Touya's eyes met his with a burning intensity as Hikaru pushed Touya down to the bed, his desire to keep touching him overcoming his reason. Suddenly he heard a knock on the door and froze.

"Hikaru! Touya's mother is on the phone wanting to know when he is coming home. What should I tell her?"

Hikaru fought to catch his breath as he rapidly disentangled himself from Touya and sat up. "Umm..Touya's not feeling well. Could you ask his mother to come pick him up, please?"

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. I'll let her know."

Hikaru was still trembling as he realized one of his hands was still tangled in Touya's dark hair. What had he been thinking? Touya was sick, how could he have taken advantage of him like that? The burning in his lips moved to his cheeks as he felt the sting of embarrassment. He began to apologize and saw that Touya had closed his eyes. His cheeks were flushed and his usually neat hair was in disarray.

"Touya?" He tried to keep his voice normal, but knew he wasn’t quite managing it. "Are you okay?" It was no use. Touya’s eyes were closed and his steady breathing seemed to indicate he was asleep. Hikaru took a deep breath as he wondered what exactly they had started.


	2. Choices

Shindou Hikaru sighed with immense relief now that the long school day was over. It was hard for him to focus on school during a normal day, and now all he could think about was Touya. It had been almost a week since Touya had gotten sick at Hikaru's house and his mother had been forced to come pick him up. The fact that he had fainted right after their kiss didn't exactly strike Hikaru as a good sign. Touya's mother had half carried him out of the house and Hikaru hadn't spoken to him since. Now all he wanted to do was see Touya, but at the same time he was too embarrassed ever to see him again. He had called Touya's house the day after he got sick just to see if he was okay, and had been told only that Touya had a high fever and it would be a few days before he was well enough to see anyone.

Hikaru stared at the ground as he continued on the paved path that led away from the school. The sky was dark and overcast, echoing his mood at the moment. He was still staring at the ground, trying to decide what to do, when he almost walked into Touya Akira.

"Shindou."

Hikaru felt his stomach turn over at the sound of his name spoken by that voice. He looked up and forced himself to assume a somewhat normal expression. What if Touya was mad about what had happened? 

"Touya. You look better." Hikaru was surprised at how uncertain his voice sounded and forced himself to meet Touya's eyes.

"I am… I mean, I am better." Touya swallowed and looked away. "What I'm trying to say is - I want to apologize to you, Shindou."

Hikaru blinked. Could Touya somehow think what had happened was his own fault? And now he was regretting it? He felt a sinking feeling in his stomach as he hoped that Touya wasn't going to end their tenuous friendship. He didn't know if he could stand that.

"I just remember that I got very angry and yelled at you. And I think I knocked over the Go board. It's all kind of a blur after that. I don't really remember anything else until the next day."

Hikaru drew a sharp breath. "You don't remember anything else?" He knew that fevers could be dangerous, but he had never heard of anyone losing their memory because of one before.

Touya looked at him strangely. "What do you mean? Did something else happen, Shindou?"

Before Hikaru could think of a response Touya added quickly "If I did anything else strange, I'm sorry. I had an extremely high fever and the Doctor said I was delirious for a while. There's a bad strain of flu going around this season and somehow I ended up with it."

Hikaru tried to process this information. He felt a mixture of relief that Touya didn't know what had happened, and disappointment that he didn't remember. How could Touya not remember a moment that he remembered so vividly? Or was he just pretending not to remember because he wished it hadn’t happened? He was saved from having to form a coherent response when he felt a cool wetness on his skin and realized that it had finally started to rain. "Come on, Touya. I know a good ramen place that's really close. You shouldn't be out in this rain. You don't want to get sick again."

Without waiting for a reply he reached to take Touya's hand and lead him to the restaurant. They had only gone a few paces when he realized he was still holding Touya's hand. It felt soft and surprisingly good in his own. As soon as he registered what he was thinking, he dropped it quickly. Hikaru felt a flush of embarrassment rise to his cheeks.

"Are you all right, Shindou?"

Hikaru looked up and suppressed a shiver when he met those intense green eyes, now filled with concern. "Sure. I'm just a little hungry that's all. I'm surprised you're agreeing to ramen without a fight. I thought you said you never wanted to eat it again after so many lunches with me."

"It's the least I can do after what happened, Shindou. I don't know what came over me at your house to shout at you like that and make a scene."

"What the hell are you talking about, Touya? You were sick! Losing control once in a while isn't that big a deal."

"It's a big deal to me, Shindou." Touya's voice was still calm and controlled. "And I'm sorry."

"I accept your apology, alright? Although I don't really get why you're apologizing to me. Let's just go eat already! I really am getting hungry." Secretly Hikaru thought that he should be the one apologizing for taking advantage of Touya while he was sick. Why had he done what he did? It was true that Touya had kind of initiated it, but he didn't even know what he was doing and Hikaru should have stopped it right away. The worst part was that he was glad that he hadn't stopped it. If he had stopped it he wouldn't have the memory of Touya's lips pressed against his own, the softness of Touya's hair against his neck. Hikaru felt a warmth spreading through himself that only increased when he looked at Touya. Taking a deep breath and trying to stay calm, Hikaru was happy to note that they had finally arrived at the ramen shop. Maybe food would take his mind off of things he shouldn’t be thinking about.

They entered the shop and Hikaru took a seat on a wooden stool directly next to Touya's. "I think I'm going to have the shoyu ramen, what about you?"

"I haven't decided yet." Touya's eyes scanned the menu.

"It's hard to decide when all ramen is so great, isn't it?" Hikaru turned to glance at Touya just as Touya looked up and smiled at him. Hikaru felt his heart beat faster. He knew this probably wasn't good, but he couldn't bring himself to look away. Touya looked so relaxed and happy that it made him smile back at the same time. What was wrong with him anyway? Touya was his rival, his kind of friend, and a boy. It was weird to be noticing things like that about him.

Touya's expression suddenly became more serious and he looked intently at Hikaru. "If anything else happened that day, Shindou, you can tell me. I know I was sick, but I still want to know if I did anything too weird. It's strange, not remembering."

Hikaru took a deep breath and considered Touya's question. Maybe Touya really didn’t remember what had happened. Should he tell him the truth? Sitting here next to him, looking into his clear eyes he felt like he could tell Touya anything. He just felt so comfortable, like no matter what he said it would turn out alright. He opened his mouth to tell Touya the truth, but before he could say anything the server interrupted him.

"Have you decided what you would like?"

"I'll have the miso ramen. And I think he would like the shoyu." Touya answered for them both.

"Thank you." The waiter turned and walked away.

"What was it you were going to tell me?"

Hikaru felt all his courage melt away in the space of a few seconds. "Well, I was going to say that even though you were sick you still practically beat me at Go."

Touya smiled again and Hikaru felt his heart stop. "That's not anything surprising, Shindou.


	3. Tension

Hikaru smiled as he pushed open the door and walked out into the bright sunlight. It was a Saturday afternoon and he was headed to the Go Salon to play Waya for fun. He doubted there would be anyone else there today who was any good, but once in a while it was fun just to play with Waya, away from the stress they were usually under as pros. He also needed a break from thinking about Touya. It seemed like all of his thoughts lately were still about him and it was getting to be a little overwhelming. He hadn't seen Touya since their visit to the ramen shop two days ago, but he was still thinking about that weird kiss. He had even dreamt about it. When he had woken up this morning he was shaking and his heart had been pounding wildly. His cheeks burned even now thinking about it. He wanted to see Touya again, but he knew that probably wasn't the best idea considering how close he had come to telling him the truth about what had happened. He didn't know how Touya would react, but somehow he doubted it would be in a positive way. Telling Touya was too big a risk to take when it was possible that Touya might never want to see him again.

Hikaru tried to push his thoughts of Touya away as he entered the Go Salon. He spotted Waya in the corner, playing a scruffy looking old man he hadn't seen there before. It looked like they were in the endgame, but he could tell Waya had a major advantage. He wondered why the old man hadn't given up long ago.

"Makemashita." The old man resigned in a reluctant sounding voice. "Good game, Waya-kun. That one was pretty close. I know I'll get you for sure next time."

Hikaru could tell that Waya was trying hard not to laugh. "Right, old man. It was pretty close. Maybe next time."

The old man glanced over at Hikaru. "Is your friend here any good? Maybe I should try playing him?"

Waya shook his head. "I don't think he's quite up to your level. I'm getting ready to play a few tutoring games with him now." Hikaru kicked him under the table as he walked up and Waya glared at him. "See you later, Ojii-san." The old man got up and shuffled away from the table. Hikaru sat down.

"Tutoring games? I don't think so. Unless you mean I'm going to tutor you."

"Oh, come on. I had to say something or he would have roped you into playing him, too. And he's not even good enough to tell when to resign." Waya picked up some stones for nigiri and dropped them on the board. Hikaru followed suit. "What have you been up to anyway, Shindou?"

"Nothing much. I've been pretty busy at school with exams and everything lately." Hikaru tried to focus as he placed a stone on the board. Waya would be able to tell right away if he wasn't concentrating on the game.

"Busy, huh? Not too busy to spend time with Touya though. I was coming to see if you wanted to play a game the other day and I saw you leaving that ramen shop with him."

Hikaru looked up from the board. He knew Waya didn't really like Touya much, but that didn't mean that he couldn't spend time with him. "Yeah, Touya got really sick when we were playing a game at my house last week. He came to the school to apologize for passing out. We were both kind of hungry so we went to the ramen shop. It's not that big of a deal."

"Oh, so now you invite him over to your house? That's a little weird, Shindou. I thought Touya was your rival."

"He is." Hikaru paused uncertainly. He didn't know how to explain that Touya was also his friend. Well, kind of his friend. "Look, Waya, I know you don't like Touya, but I don't really understand why. He's not that bad. He's actually a nice person when you get to know him." His words sounded weak even to his own ears, but he didn't know how to explain their relationship to anyone else.

"A nice person?" Waya's face was incredulous. "You've got to be kidding, Shindou. That arrogant jerk who thinks he's so great at Go that he's above playing normal people? I can understand why you might want to play against him, but why spend time with him outside of that? What’s going on with you anyway?"

Hikaru's cheeks began to flush as he registered Waya's words. "Look, just shut up. I can spend time with whoever I want to and it's really none of your business."

Waya's voice became louder. "I thought I was your friend. But I guess you don't need any other friends now that you have Touya."

Hikaru glared. Why was Waya being so unreasonable all of a sudden? He was trying to think of something to say in reply when a familiar voice made him freeze.

"Why are you shouting my name, Waya? Everyone is staring at you." Hikaru looked up to see Touya Akira's dark hair. Touya’s usual polite expression was gone, and his eyes were angry and intense.

Hikaru could tell that Waya was surprised, but he quickly recovered. "Are you following Shindou around now, Touya? Your obsessiveness has reached new levels."

Touya's eyes became even darker. "I often come here on the weekends when I'm not busy with pro events. Not that I need to explain myself to you."

Hikaru was getting worried. The tension between the two of them was thick and he didn't want anyone to lose their temper more than they already had.

"Look, Waya. I need to talk to Touya about something. I'll see you later." Hikaru began clearing the stones off the board without waiting for a response from Waya.

"What are you doing? You're going to go off with him in the middle of a game?" Waya was practically shouting now and Hikaru fought the urge to snap at him.

"I said I'd see you later. I'm not going to sit here and play a game with you while you're shouting at me and everyone is staring at us. Talk to me when you're acting normal again." Without waiting for a response he turned on his heel and stalked out of the salon, trying hard to ignore the curious gazes of other players. What was wrong with Waya anyway? Why was he being so difficult? And when was he going to get over his stupid problem with Touya? Touya. Hikaru felt his heart beat faster. He had told Touya that he needed to talk to him. He turned around abruptly and saw Touya standing just outside the entrance to the go salon and looking at him uncertainly.

Hikaru took a deep breath and forced himself to calm down. He slowly walked over to where Touya was standing. "Sorry about that. Waya's acting really weird today for some reason. He's not usually like this. Well he kind of is, but it's not usually this bad."

"He's mad because you're spending time with me." It was a statement not a question. "If you want to stop doing things with me outside of Go, I understand." Touya's voice was achingly vulnerable and suddenly more than anything Hikaru wanted to assure him that what he said wasn't true.

"No!" The forcefulness of his voice caught them both by surprise and Hikaru lowered his voice. "I mean, just because Waya's being an idiot doesn't mean I have to do what he wants. And anyway I want to do stuff with you." Hikaru felt his cheeks grow hot as he stared at the tips of his yellow sneakers.

"Oh." It was a quiet exclamation and Hikaru looked up to see that Touya was smiling. He felt himself smile back, unable to do anything else.

There was a short pause during which Hikaru tried to get his blushing under control. 

Touya cleared his throat awkwardly. "What was it you wanted to talk to me about?"

"What?"

"In the Go Salon you said you wanted to talk to me about something." Touya's voice was strangely innocent.

"Oh." Hikaru looked at Touya and studied him carefully. Touya was still smiling and it almost seemed like he wanted Hikaru to say something, but Hikaru wasn't sure what it was. He felt the strange warmth spreading through him again, but somehow managed to stammer out an answer. "Well, mainly I wanted to get away from Waya, but I also wanted to see if you wanted to do something tomorrow afternoon."

"Sure. We could play Go at my house this time."

Hikaru took a deep breath. "I mean something not related to Go." He paused noticing that Touya looked slightly unsure. "There are other things to do you know."

"There are?" Touya deadpanned his answer and Hikaru laughed.

"I thought we could go to the park by my house. I'm sure we could find something to do there."

"Okay. I'll meet you at the park around 1:00 then."

"Sounds good." Touya smiled that smile that made Hikaru's breath catch again before he turned to walk away.

Hikaru felt the happiness of a whole afternoon alone with Touya well up inside him and then threaten to overwhelm all other thoughts. It was going to be a long 24 hours.


	4. Escape

Hikaru tried to control his mounting nervousness as he headed to the nearby park. He was getting way too excited about something that really wasn't that big of a deal. Well, it was kind of a big deal. He was doing something with Touya that hopefully wouldn't have anything to do with Go at all. And maybe Touya would finally remember what had happened the night he had been sick. Or maybe Hikaru could tell him what had happened. He groaned. That was unlikely. Just thinking about the incident caused a warm feeling in areas he didn't want to think about. He could only imagine how embarrassed he would be if he had to put what had happened between them into words. But worse, he could picture Touya's expression. Touya looking at him like he was crazy, or even disgusting. He didn't think he could stand to see Touya looking at him like that. Not when they were just beginning to be friends outside of the Go world.

Hikaru had forced himself not to arrive too early to the park and had slightly overcompensated. He was about five minutes late, and as he went in the entrance he could see Touya standing by a tree. He was staring at the ground and studying it intently, like there was something important there Hikaru couldn't see.

"Hey." He saw Touya jump slightly and then turn to him with a smile. Hikaru felt a strange calm come over him and his nervousness faded slightly. It was going to be alright.

"You're late." Touya's voice held a hint of accusation.

"I am not! You're the one who has to be early all the time!"

Wordlessly Touya held out his watch.

"Fine! I am late, but only five minutes. Did you think I wasn't coming or something?"

"No." Touya was once again staring at the ground and Hikaru realized with a start that that must have been exactly what Touya thought. He didn’t exactly have any other friends his own age to compare Hikaru to. He probably didn't know what to expect and was nervous too. Just the thought made him want to reassure Touya.

"I would never just not show up. I promise." Touya looked up immediately and met Hikaru's eyes. His expression was unreadable and Hikaru suddenly felt like he might have said too much and franticly backtracked. "Unless I found something better to do, of course."

"Of course." Touya smiled again, and this time Hikaru had to look away. This was going to be harder than he thought if he had to stop and regroup every time Touya smiled at him.

"So what do you want to do? I thought we could walk around by the pond and see if there's anyone who wants to play Go with my magnetic travel set."

Touya looked at him suspiciously. "I'm going to have to assume you're joking since you said before that Go wasn't allowed today. Not that I'd be opposed to that idea.”

Hikaru smiled. "I just wanted to see your face light up when I mentioned Go. Sorry, you're not going to get away with any Go related activities.”

"Well, in that case, I brought food." Touya gestured to the ground beside him and Hikaru noticed a small picnic basket. "I borrowed it from my mother."

Hikaru looked at the picnic basket incredulously. He and Touya on a picnic together? Not that they could really go wrong with food. "Is there any ramen in there?"

"Sorry, ramen isn't picnic friendly. And it's too hot for ramen today. It's kind of strange weather for this time of year." Touya gestured to the clear blue sky dotted with fluffy white clouds.

Hikaru looked up. It had been unseasonably warm, not that he had really noticed until Touya had brought it up. "Aww… You really didn't bring any ramen?"

"You have a one track mind, Shindou. Next time I'll bring you some cold ramen and you can eat that."

Hikaru made a face to show what he thought of the idea of cold ramen and Touya laughed. He was starting to wish that ramen was actually what was on his mind as he suddenly noticed that he was standing way too close to Touya. Hastily, he took a step backward and somehow managed to trip on a root from the tree. He would have fallen in a spectacularly embarrassing manner if Touya hadn't reached out and grabbed his hand at the last second.

"Are you okay, Shindou?"

Hikaru belatedly realized that he still hadn't answered and was standing there staring like an idiot into Touya's eyes. "Yeah, I'm fine." Why was he so clumsy whenever Touya was around? He was having difficulty even talking at this point. He looked down and found himself staring at where Touya's hand was still firmly holding his. His whole body was focused on that one small point of contact. Unable to look away he kept staring until Touya looked down too, and pulled away with a start.

"Sorry." Now Touya was blushing.

"Why are you sorry? You were the one who was helping me, stupid."

"Don't call me stupid, Shindou." Touya said the words with a smile, and Hikaru breathed a sigh of relief. The tension was momentarily broken.

"Come on! Let's go eat over there." Hikaru pointed to a shady spot located by a small pond with numerous orange and white koi swimming in the clear water.

"Okay." Touya picked up the picnic basket and they walked across the narrow grassy area to the secluded spot.

Hikaru immediately sat down and began rummaging through the picnic basket. Sandwiches, grapes, cookies, and a package of umeboshi, salty pickled plums. "Yuck, you can eat all of these, Touya." Hikaru pointed to the plums as Touya sat down beside him.

Touya laughed. "I don't really like them either. I just wanted to see your reaction."

Hikaru was now looking at Touya as though mesmerized. He didn't think he had ever seen Touya smile so much. Not even when he was playing an especially good game of Go. He felt the words come out of his mouth before he could stop them. "You look really nice when you smile like that."

Touya glanced up at him surprised, but managed to reply with a note of hesitation. "Thanks." Before Hikaru could think of some way to change the subject Touya did it for him. "When are you going to tell me the truth?"

"The truth about what?" Hikaru forced himself not to panic. Did Touya remember what had happened when he had been sick?

"The truth about you and Sai. About how you're connected to him. You promised you'd tell me someday."

Hikaru felt a wave of sadness and regret wash over him, just as it always did when he thought about Sai. That was why he tried to force himself not to think about Sai too much. The pain was still too recent.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said anything. You can tell me when you're ready." Touya looked away and began to get more things out of the picnic basket.

"No, it's okay. I mean, you can ask. But I don't think I'm ready to talk about it yet."

Touya's voice was gentle. "I know you said you would tell me at some point, but I understand if you don't want to."

"I want to tell you, Touya. I just can't talk about it right now."

"That's okay." Touya had stopped emptying the picnic basket and they were now both looking uncomfortably at the ground.

"Maybe we should eat?" Hikaru forced himself to break the silence.

"Good idea." Touya handed him a sandwich and unwrapped one for himself. He then began opening the package of grapes. Hikaru found himself staring as Touya delicately pulled a grape off its stem and placed it in his mouth, sucking on it gently and then swallowing.

"Don't you want any grapes, Shindou?"

Hikaru realized and had been holding his breath and released it with a faint puff. "Uh…no thanks." He couldn't bring himself to look away even as he felt his cheeks burning.

"Shindou?" Touya had stopped eating the grapes. "Shindou…?" Touya's voice grew fainter as Hikaru realized that he had unconsciously been leaning towards Touya and was now so close he could touch the other boy at any second. The grape Touya had been holding fell to the ground noiselessly. It seemed like the moment was frozen in time as Hikaru tried to summon the courage to do something, anything. Either to close the gap between them or to pull away.

The sound of a child shouting broke the delicate moment between them. "I don't think this was a good idea." Hikaru stood up abruptly. "I'm sorry. I have to go."

"Shindou, wait!" Touya had stood up too and was facing him, slightly breathless. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing." He looked at Touya incredulously. What did Touya think was wrong? How could he not notice Hikaru's reaction to being around him? "I'm sorry, Touya. I'll see you later." Hikaru spun around and took off running even as he tried not to think about the hurt expression he had seen on Touya's face. He had put that expression there. But he told himself that it would have been worse if he hadn’t pulled away. Somehow that thought didn't make him feel any better.

Hikaru kept running for a long time, until he reached the street his house was on. Then he turned around and looked back the way he came. Touya wasn't behind him. He wasn't sure why he had expected him to be. At this point Touya probably never wanted to talk to him again. Hikaru sank to the ground and covered his face with his hands.


	5. Consequences

Hikaru sighed as he let himself into the house and immediately ran up the stairs to his room, slamming the door. That couldn't possibly have gone anymore badly. No doubt Touya now thought he was a complete idiot and would never speak to him again. Why did things with him and Touya have to be so complicated anyway? It had been so much easier when they were rivals. He had spent all his time chasing Touya and trying to catch up to him in the Go world without ever even thinking that they could become friends. And now Touya was all he could think about. Or, more specifically, the look on Touya's face as he had left him standing alone with their uneaten picnic lunch.

Hikaru spent the rest of the afternoon alternating between moping and half-heartedly placing stones on the Go board, attempting to recreate a game. After a few hours of this, he was beginning to think that facing Touya was a more attractive option. He was almost happy when he was interrupted by his mother's voice from downstairs.

"Hikaru, you have a visitor. I'm sending him up. You've done enough moping for one afternoon."

Hikaru trembled slightly. Could it be Touya? And what would he do if it was? He waited with a mixture of anticipation and dread as footsteps made their way up the stairs and the door to his room slowly opened.

"Hi, Shindou."

It was Waya, looking relaxed and wearing his trademark fatigues. Hikaru felt his heartbeat slow and sank back down on the bed feeling inexplicably disappointed. "Hey. What's going on? I thought you weren't speaking to me anymore or something." 

Waya looked uncomfortable. "I came to apologize. I might not like Touya, but you have the right to be friends with whoever you want."

Hikaru just stared at him for a moment. "Oh, thanks so much for giving me your permission. I never would have realized that if you hadn't let me in on it." He paused, disgusted. "Is that all you came here to say?" Hikaru was not in a good mood.

Waya stared down at the floor, and Hikaru fought back the sudden wave of guilt that washed over him. At least Waya was trying.  
"Sorry. Today hasn't been the best of days. It's not you. Well, not just you."

Waya looked up at him and gave a slight smile. "So what's the problem? I mean besides me interrupting your moping?"

Hikaru took a deep breath. "You definitely wouldn't be interested."

Waya looked at him strangely. "Why?" There was a short pause. Oh." A look of understanding came over Waya's face. "It's about Touya." 

Hikaru nodded.

"What did he do?"

"How do you know it isn't something I did?"

"Because I know him. I've seen how he is during matches. He's arrogant, cold, and has no feelings."

Hikaru snorted. "Not this again. Of course he has feelings, Waya. He is human. Maybe if you actually spent some time with him instead of passing judgment on him from a distance you'd realize that. And you're wrong. It was something I did."

"And he overreacted, right? He probably doesn't know how to respond to people his own age."

"I didn't really give him a chance to overreact."

Waya looked at him menacingly. "Shindou, why don't you just tell me what happened."

Hikaru laughed. "I really don't think you'd understand."

There was a short pause. "You have a thing for him don't you?"

Hikaru could only stare at him in shock. "What?"

"Shindou, you and Touya have been obsessed with each other for years. Well, he more so than you, but I can tell it's a mutual thing."

Hikaru felt himself grow defensive. How many other people knew about his feelings for Touya? "I don't know what you're talking about, Waya. He was my rival. We hated each other."

Waya laughed. "Shindou, you and Touya have always had very strong feelings for each other, but I don't think it was ever hatred."  
"I'm glad you find this situation so amusing."

Waya's face grew serious. "I'm sorry, Shindou, I know you don't find it very funny at the moment, but you and Touya…" Hikaru could tell Waya was once again fighting back laughter, but he managed to quell it. "Seriously, you don't have anything to be ashamed of, Shindou. Just apologize for whatever you did and I'm sure Touya will take you back. It's not like he has any other friends."

Hikaru groaned. "It's not that easy." His voice fell to barely above a whisper. "I haven't told him how I feel. And I don't know how he feels about me."

Waya smiled at him. "I don't think you have anything to worry about."

Hikaru looked at him suspiciously. "How can you be so sure? You barely even know Touya. You don't even like him."

Waya met his eyes. "Because I've seen the way he looks at you."

"Oh." Hikaru's heart began to beat faster.

"And even though I can't stand Touya, you're my friend and I want you to be happy. Although I'm not excited about the idea of dealing with Touya on a more frequent basis."

Hikaru just nodded.

"So what are you waiting for? Go find him and apologize. Or do you want to give him even more time to be mad for whatever it is you think you did?"

Hikaru's face brightened. "You're right. I need to resolve this now. I can't put it off any longer. I'm going to tell him the truth." He just hoped too much damage hadn't already been done.

"I'm sure you guys will work it out and be nauseatingly happy in no time."

Hikaru was doubtful. “We’ll see.” At least an end to the uncertainty would be good. “Sorry to end our visit so soon. And thanks, Waya."

Waya smiled at him. "No problem."

Hikaru raced out of his room and down the stairs, yelling to his mom that he was going out and ignoring whatever reply she gave. In a blink he threw on his shoes and was out the door and down the street. Suddenly, he came to a complete standstill as he realized he had no idea where to go. He tried to think about it logically. It was probably too late on a weekend for Touya to be at his father's go salon. That left only Touya's house which Hikaru had been to only once, for a pro question and answer session with Touya Meijin. And he hadn't exactly been paying close attention to directions at the time. Taking a deep breath he headed in the direction that seemed to be the most vaguely familiar.

An hour later Hikaru was still wandering around Tokyo and it was beginning to get dark. He was pretty sure he was now in the correct neighborhood, but he still hadn't determined the location of the house itself. It was at times like this when he found himself missing Sai. No matter how lost you were, things never seemed as bad if someone was with you, and Sai had been constantly by his side for a very long time. He could use some friendly encouragement now, even though he wasn't sure what Sai would make of the situation with Touya. Just as he was about to give up temporarily and postpone his apology to Touya until tomorrow, Hikaru spotted the familiar house. He gathered his courage and walked up to the imposing looking gate, ringing the bell determinedly.

"Yes?"

He recognized the voice as Touya's mother. "It's Shindou Hikaru. I'm here to see Akira."

"Oh, Shindou-kun? Please come in and I'll get him for you."

Hikaru opened the gate and walked up to the front of the house. It was now almost completely dark and the shadows that lurked around the big house seemed ominous. He gulped in surprise as the door opened and Touya Akira stepped outside. He hadn't exactly been given any time to gather his thoughts. Summoning all available courage he took a deep breath and his words came out in a rush. "I just came to say that I'm sorry about earlier, Touya. It was my fault and I shouldn't have…" His words trailed off and his throat became dry as he saw the look on Touya's face. There was none of the warmth from earlier in the day. Touya's face was now cold and indifferent, like Hikaru was nothing more than a difficult opponent. He wasn't even looking at Hikaru the way he used to, when they had been rivals. He could have handled that. But seeing that expression now was like a slap in the face.

"I'm not interested, Shindou. I don't want to see you anymore outside of our professional responsibilities."

"Touya!” Hikaru tried to push back his frustration. “I said I was sorry about running away! What more do you want?"

"I want you to get off my family's property." Touya's sounded cool and collected, only his eyes glittering darkly in the moonlight betrayed any emotion.

"Come on, Touya! You can't be serious!" Hikaru realized he was shouting now, trying in vain to get past the cold façade. Touya responded by stepping into the house and closing the door in his face. Hikaru stood in front of the doorway stunned. He was still close enough to the door to hear Touya's mother ask him about what had happened.

"What did your friend want, Akira?"

"He's not my friend! And he never will be!"

Hikaru turned and walked slowly away from the house.


	6. Confrontation

On Monday Hikaru woke with a start when his alarm and went off and wistfully pulled the covers over his head, wishing he could escape back into his dreams. Unfortunately, he couldn't escape for long since he had a match that morning. A match that he was not in any way prepared for since he had never even heard of his opponent before. More importantly, Touya had a match in the afternoon that he wanted to watch. It was against Kurata and was a much more important match than Hikaru's preliminary. He was hoping to catch Touya after the match and try to apologize again. Not that it would probably do any good. He knew firsthand how stubborn Touya could be if he wanted to. Thinking about the coldness in Touya's eyes directed at him made him feel sick to his stomach. Getting up and facing the world was sounding less and less appealing by the minute.

By the time he managed to drag himself out of bed and throw on his clothes he was running extremely late. He barely had time to grab any food and knew he would be starving later. Maybe he could talk someone into ramen for lunch. The thought of ramen made him remember the times when he went to eat ramen with Touya, and he angrily pushed those thoughts out of his head. Maybe he didn't want ramen for lunch. That would certainly be a first. He mumbled a quick “See you later,” to his mom and sprinted out the door, certain that he was going to be late.

His match was scheduled to start at nine and he arrived with just seconds to spare. His opponent, a younger pro (but still a lot older than him), Ito Tadashi, was already sitting in front of the Go board with an irritated look on his face.

"Trying to psyche me out by waiting to show up until the last minute, Shindou?"

"No, actually I overslept," he answered honestly. The other pro just glared at him. Hikaru sighed. This day had been going downhill from the moment he woke up. He reached for the stones and prepared to nigiri. He wasn't going to make it even worse by losing to this arrogant prick.

Hikaru tried to concentrate, but as he got into a rhythm his mind began to drift and he started to think about other things. Like how he wished that he was playing Touya instead of this annoying guy, and how he wished that Touya was still speaking to him. He had never gotten to tell Touya about Sai and now he probably would never be able to. No. He shouldn't give up. Touya couldn't be mad forever, not if he explained things. He stilled a tremor in his hand as he laid another stone.

"Something wrong, Shindou?"

Hikaru glanced down and drew in his breath sharply. The other pro had put him in a difficult position with his last move. He heard a muffled noise from his opponent and saw that Ito was struggling not to reveal his triumph. Ignoring him for the moment, Hikaru stared at the Go board and began reading ahead. There had to be a way to get out of this.

"What's wrong with you today? I thought you were over your mental crisis or whatever it was, but obviously not."

Hikaru’s face began to heat as he registered Ito’s comments. He knew Ito was baiting him, and trying to get him to screw things up even more. Obviously Ito had heard about his forfeited matches. Hikaru tried hard to ignore the other pro as he worked through the possibilities in his head. He thought he could see a way out of the mess he had gotten himself into, when he sensed rather than saw Touya Akira enter the room.

He fought the impulse to immediately turn and look in Touya's direction. Touya must have arrived early for his match against Kurata. Hikaru tried to ignore him and concentrate on the game at hand, but just knowing that Touya was there made him feel self-conscious. He couldn't lose this game if Touya was watching. Maybe it was stupid to feel more motivated to win because Touya was there, but he just couldn't help it. He had to get himself out of this situation. 

Currently Ito had trapped him with an atari and things were not looking good. He was losing the battle for the bottom right side, which he should have control over by now. Hikaru scanned the board rapidly once again, looking for something he had missed. Finally he saw the opening that he had been looking for, although it would take all of his concentration to catch up. Luckily, making comebacks when things looked impossible was one of his specialties. Ten minutes later he had turned things to his advantage. Twenty minutes later his arrogant opponent resigned. Breathing a sigh of relief he looked over to see if Touya had been impressed by his big comeback. There were quite a few people watching his game with interest, but Touya was nowhere to be seen.

"Oh, are you looking for your rival?" Ito asked.

"What?" Hikaru was temporarily startled out of his reverie.

"Touya Akira. He didn't even look over here. I heard he used to consider you his rival, but I guess that's not the case anymore. I have to admit you aren't bad though."

"Thanks, I guess." The other pro’s words were slowly sinking in. Touya hadn't even looked in his direction to see how he was doing. For some reason that thought was more upsetting than it should be. He tried to reason with himself. Of course Touya hadn't looked at his game when he wasn't even speaking to him. This wasn't the first time Touya had ignored him. It still hurt, though. There was no other choice. He was going to have to confront Touya yet again, and try to tell him the truth. He would just have to force him to listen.  
Hikaru watched Touya's afternoon game on the monitor and was irritated to note that if anything Touya was playing even better than usual. He obviously wasn't as distracted by the situation as Hikaru was. He did seem to be playing more aggressively, however. And there was still that coldness behind his eyes that made him seem untouchable. Hikaru found it somewhat scary to observe and was glad that he wasn't the one playing Touya for once. He listened quietly as other pros commented on the match and did his best to make himself invisible.

"Wow! Touya-kun's really showing no mercy today. He isn't going to let Kurata-san win easily.”

"Yes, he's put Kurata-san in an extremely difficult position. I wonder if he can see it through to the end. Look how he's pushing Kurata-san back."

Hikaru was disappointed when Touya ended up losing by a narrow margin. His aggressiveness in the game had been truly frightening. If that was a sign of how he was going to react to Hikaru's apology maybe he should just give up now. He decided to wait for him in the hallway and try to convince Touya to talk to him alone. That way Touya couldn't run away or yell at him without people thinking it was strange.

He waited for a long time before Touya showed up. He was talking animatedly with Kurata. Gathering up his courage Hikaru approached them. "Can I talk to you outside for a minute, Touya?" Touya looked taken aback, but quickly recovered.

"Sorry, I'm really busy, Shindou. It'll have to be some other time." Touya's eyes flashed darkly at him but his voice betrayed no trace of emotion. Hikaru met his gaze and refused to back down. He was pleased to see Touya flinch slightly and look away.

"Umm…it's really important."

"Oh, go ahead." Kurata patted Touya good-naturedly on the shoulder. "We're pretty much done here. That was a pretty amazing game Touya played there, wasn't it Shindou?"

"Yeah, he was really good." Hikaru tripped over his words and promptly a blush spread across his cheeks. Thankfully, Kurata seemed not to notice.

"I heard you won your preliminary game by making a major comeback. Soon we'll be calling you the comeback kid. Did you see his game, Touya?"

"No." Touya's answer was clipped and Hikaru could tell he was getting more and more irritated with the situation.

"I see." Kurata glanced back and forth between them and Hikaru knew that between his blushing and Touya looking angrily at the wall, he could tell something was amiss. "Well, I'll leave you two to your talk then. I think you're safe to go home after you finish, Touya. There's one more reporter guy who wants an interview, but I can cover for you."

"You don't have to do that, Kurata-san."

"It's no problem. I think you have some things you and Shindou need to work out."

"Not really." Hikaru heard Touya mumble the words under his breath, but Kurata had already turned to go. Touya turned to face him. "This is going to have to be quick, Shindou. I have things I have to do."

Hikaru was tempted to ask what these important things were, but managed to hold his tongue in the interest of not losing his opportunity. "Okay. Let's talk about it outside. There are too many people around here.”

"Fine."

Hikaru headed to the door and Touya followed him in stony silence. Hikaru led him to a nearby alley and stopped. The sky was getting dark and there were ominous looking clouds in the distance. Somehow it seemed to suit the situation.

Touya had crossed his arms and was looking at him expectantly. Clearly he was going to have to make the first move.

"I think we need to talk, Touya."

"So you've said." Touya's words were deceptively calm. Hikaru tried not to think about the devastating game Touya had played earlier that day.

He steeled himself. "The other day, in the park, I shouldn't have run away like that. I'm sorry."

Touya's face was unreadable. "Why _did_ you run away?"

Hikaru struggled with himself before answering. He couldn't admit to Touya that he had been afraid. "I don't know." He knew immediately that he had made a mistake when he saw the look on Touya's face.

"This was a waste of time." Touya turned and started walking away.

"Please wait!" Hikaru panicked as he watched Touya disappearing down the alley before his eyes. He couldn't let things end this way. He sprinted after Touya, grabbing his wrist and swinging him around roughly. "Please, listen to me!" There was a short pause as Touya just stared at him, his eyes wild and hair tousled in the wind.

"No, you listen to me!" Touya shook off his grasp and pushed him hard against the wall of the building. "I'm tired of this, Shindou. I'm tired of you toying with my emotions, and I'm tired of not knowing what you want from me. Sometimes I think you don't even consider me a friend."

"That's not true!" Hikaru felt himself respond to the feel of Touya's body pressed against his. He was barely able to think, much less form a coherent response.

"If you cared about me at all, you wouldn't act so strange around me. You wouldn't run away from me. You obviously don't trust me enough to tell me the truth about Sai."

Touya couldn't disguise the hurt in his voice. Hikaru could feel the other boy shaking against him. "Touya…" Touya's hand now grazed the side of his face, his touch delicate. Hikaru couldn't seem to get any other words out, couldn't seem to think about anything other than the fact that Touya's lips were dangerously close to his. He could feel the warmth of Touya's breath and knew that he wanted to be closer. His hand reached up automatically, intending to pull Touya closer. Just as he registered that thought, he realized that he had waited too long to make his intentions clear. Touya released him roughly and Hikaru felt himself slide to the ground. For some reason his legs no longer seemed able to support his weight.

"Please don't come near me again until you decide what you want." Touya's words were soft and he looked so painfully sad that Hikaru wanted to do something, anything, to make it better. Before he could stop him, however, Touya turned again and ran out of the alley, beyond Hikaru's reach. Fat raindrops splashed his face as Hikaru managed to haul himself to his feet. He looked after Touya and felt his resolve strengthen. He no longer doubted how the other boy felt about him. He wasn't going to let things end this way.


	7. Obsession

Hikaru won his next three games by a landslide, crushing his opponents. For some reason his thoughts were no longer muddled by the huge mess of things he had made with Touya. It was like he could see things more clearly now. It was also getting close to May, the anniversary of Sai's disappearance and his trip to Hiroshima. It was a painful reminder of how much he missed his friend. Although lately, he seemed to be able to sense Sai's presence even more strongly when he played. He knew Sai would always be with him, but it didn't change the fact that he could no longer see him or talk to him. Just his presence had always made Hikaru feel better about things. For two years he had never been alone, not really. Since he had been spending time with Touya the loneliness had begun to melt away. And now he understood things, like how stupid he had been. By not telling Touya the truth about his feelings, or about Sai, he had actually hurt him.

After his last opponent of the day resigned Hikaru walked out of the room and over to the vending machine to get a drink. He bought a soda and drank it slowly, thinking about Touya. He hadn't seen the other boy since their confrontation in the alleyway. He knew Touya was avoiding him, and he knew why. Now he just had to find the right situation to convince Touya of his feelings. It was hard when the person you wanted to convince wasn't speaking to you. Nothing with Touya was ever easy. He had an intensity about him that was part of what made him such a great Go player. Thinking about that intensity directed at him, like it had been in the alleyway, made his stomach feel fluttery.

"How'd your game go, Shindou?"

Hikaru was startled out of his thoughts by Isumi. He looked up at the other pro and smiled. "It was all right. He resigned before we got to play very long." It was irritating when the people he played gave up so quickly. It was never like when he played Touya.

"You've been on a real winning streak lately. The way you attack without holding anything back," Isumi paused, "it kind of reminds me of Touya Akira's style."

Uncomfortable with being compared to Touya, Hikaru stared at the ground. "I don't know why you would think that. I'm playing the same as always."

Isumi gazed at him thoughtfully. "I'm meeting Waya at McDonald's for lunch if you want to come."

Hikaru was tired of obsessing by himself. It would probably be good for him to spend some time with Waya and Isumi. "Sure, I guess." He followed Isumi out of the Go Institute grabbing his coat and umbrella on the way out. The weather had turned cold and rainy recently and the chill in the air made him shiver.

"So what's going on with you and Touya anyway? I thought you were friends, but I haven't seen him with you very much lately."

Hikaru sighed. "We are friends. We just kind of had a fight. You know how stubborn he can be."

Isumi glanced at him with a serious expression on his face. "I know you can both be stubborn. That's part of what makes you good rivals."

Hikaru found himself thinking about how he was tired of being just Touya's rival and decided they should end this discussion before it got out of hand. "I don't really want to talk about this, Isumi. Sorry."

Isumi stopped and met his eyes. "Are you sure you're all right?"

"I'm fine!" Hikaru answered more sharply than he had intended.

Isumi nodded and they walked the rest of the way to McDonald's in silence.

Waya also tried to ask him about Touya at lunch and Hikaru told him in no uncertain terms that he didn't want to talk about it. After a few pointed glances from Isumi, Waya seemed to get the message and the conversation turned to Hikaru's recent winning streak. Hikaru tuned out of the conversation while pretending to listen and murmuring short, one word, answers. He was much more interested in finding a way to get Touya alone so that he could talk to him.

He vaguely heard Waya telling Isumi about some upcoming tutoring sessions. "That's right, all of the newer pros have to sign up for a certain number of sessions. There's one this Sunday, but I can't go because I promised my mom I'd help her clean out the garage. I've been getting out of it for months now, but she finally started threatening me."

"Oh, do you want me to come over and help?"

"Really, Isumi?" Waya looked both shocked and hopeful and Hikaru couldn't blame him. Why anyone would want to spend a Sunday helping someone clean out a garage was beyond him.

"Yeah, I'd rather not have to face a tutoring session without support from you, anyway."

Something seemed to click in Hikaru's mind. "Did you say that all the pros have to sign up for these sessions?"

Waya looked away from Isumi, apparently surprised that Hikaru now had some input into the conversation. "Not all pros. Just people who became pros in the last two years. And you can choose what days you want to sign up for. I think we have to sign up for two days a month or something."

"All the new pros?" Hikaru tried not to sound too eager.

"That's what I just said, Shindou. You're acting really weird today."

Waya was looking at him suspiciously, but Hikaru ignored him. "I have to go." He stood up and grabbed his jacket off the chair.

"Wait, you didn't even finish your lunch," Waya yelled after him.

Hikaru barely heard him. Behind him, Waya and Isumi looked at each other knowingly.

He ran all the way to the Go Institute and didn't stop until he got to the room where they usually had sign-ups for various events posted. He knew Touya was always tutoring people anyway and probably would have done the responsible thing and signed up for a time slot right away. He felt a surge of joy when he saw that Touya was already signed up for the upcoming Sunday. He didn't put his own name down yet, though. He had decided to wait until the last possible minute so that Touya wouldn't see he was signed up and then back out.

For the rest of the week Hikaru checked the list obsessively, and on Friday he finally put his name down. He hadn't yet figured out how exactly he was going to confront Touya at a tutoring session, but he would work something out. And even if Touya was mad at him, just seeing him would be something. It had been entirely too long. He wanted to talk to Touya now, but he knew he had to be patient. He couldn't risk pushing him away again.

Finally, it was Sunday. Hikaru forced himself to dress nicely because he knew he was supposed to look professional for events like this even though wearing stuffy clothes wasn't really him. He also managed to arrive fifteen minutes early and was surprised to see that Touya wasn't there yet. The room was filled with important looking people in business suits, all waiting to play Go with a professional. Hikaru wondered how many of them were even interested in the game, much less good at it.

He sat down at his assigned table, keeping a close eye on the door so that he could see when Touya came in. After ten minutes had passed Hikaru was beginning to panic. Maybe Touya had seen that he had signed up and backed out. But five minutes before the event Touya strolled in, looking like his normal unflustered self. It was obvious that Touya didn't see him because he walked straight to his assigned table without a glance in Hikaru's direction. Hikaru gathered up his courage to at least say hello to Touya, but was thwarted when a kind looking woman in a suit walked over to him. She introduced herself as the wife of a local high school principal. While Hikaru was talking to her two other men in business suits walked over to his table and started asking him questions about what it was like to be a pro. Suddenly, he felt eyes on him from across the room. Touya was gazing at him with an undecipherable look on his face. As Hikaru met his eyes the look seemed to fade into anger. Hikaru was forced to look away, his cheeks burning. Maybe this hadn't been such a good idea.

A bell sounded signaling that it was time to begin the session. Hikaru sat down and asked all of his students to place stones. One man wanted to only place three stones, but thankfully Hikaru was able to talk him out of it. These games were going to be easy enough for him without the people he was trying to tutor making it even easier.

Hikaru tried to concentrate on the games, but since they required almost no effort he found himself continually glancing up to see what Touya was doing. Touya looked calm and collected, explaining various moves to his students and generally behaving like a professional. After numerous glances Touya caught him staring and held his gaze for a long time. Hikaru couldn't look away. This time there was a challenge in Touya's eyes that hadn't been there earlier. Abruptly, Hikaru dropped the stone he was holding and all three of his students looked up from their Go boards to stare at him.

"Are you all right?" The woman asked, looking at him worriedly.

Hikaru took a deep breath, trying to steady himself. "I'm fine. I just need a short break. Let's meet again in fifteen minutes."

The people he was tutoring nodded agreeably and Hikaru stood up, rushing out of the room without looking at Touya. He found a nearby bathroom and walked up to the sink, turning on the water and splashing some on his face. He had to force himself to breathe. The heat on his cheeks gradually began to melt away and his heartbeat slowed. How could one look from Touya have caused him to have a complete breakdown? This day was rapidly becoming a disaster. He would have been better off helping Waya clean out his mom’s garage. He glanced up at the mirror to check that he didn’t look as unsettled as he felt and froze. Touya was standing directly behind him.


	8. Drowning

"Touya!" The other boy's eyes were burning and he stood uncomfortably close. Hikaru drew a deep breath. He had wanted more than anything to confront Touya, but now that those eyes were boring into him he was beginning to have second thoughts. He calmed his breathing with a controlled effort. "Do you think we could talk after the session is over?" His question was ignored.

"Why are you here?" Touya's calm words contrasted sharply with the the intensity of his eyes.

"I'm tutoring people, just like you. We have to sign up for two sessions a month, you know that."

"No! Why are you at the same session as me, Shindou? You could have signed up for any weekend." Touya's voice was becoming harsh and Hikaru flinched. "I don't want you here! I don't need this distraction!"

Hikaru tried not to get upset, but Touya's words hurt. "Well, I'm sorry I'm such a distraction! If you weren't avoiding me I wouldn't have had to sign up for some stupid tutoring session just so I could talk to you!"

"So you did sign up for this day just because I signed up!" Touya's voice was triumphant.

"Of course I did, Touya! What's wrong with you anyway? I've been trying to talk with you for weeks. Ever since that day at the park. Why won't you listen to me?" Hikaru found himself inexplicably close to tears. Why couldn't they ever have a normal conversation?

"So, talk. I'm listening." Touya looked at him expectantly.

This was the moment. The chance he had been waiting for. He had to apologize to Touya. He had to work things out. They couldn't go through this anymore. Unfortunately, he couldn't seem to make any words leave his mouth either. They seemed to be caught in a place behind his tongue, forever unspoken. There was silence for a moment and then Touya began to look irritated.

"Well?"

Hikaru stared at Touya and wondered if he was losing his last chance because he couldn't seem to speak. He watched Touya's expectant look change to one of disappointment and knew he had to do something, anything, before it was too late.

With an abrupt move he shoved Touya against the nearest bathroom stall and kissed him. It was slightly awkward at first, because Touya seemed to be in shock and wasn't really responding. Hikaru wondered briefly if he had made a mistake. Then he lost the ability to think at all as Touya gasped and thrust his tongue into Hikaru's mouth.

It seemed like they couldn’t get close enough, so he pressed hard against Touya and was rewarded with hands tangling in his hair. He felt like he was drowning, like he couldn't breathe. The sensation was much stronger than the memory of the time when Touya had been sick, and he wondered how he could have forgotten so many details. The sweetness of Touya's mouth against his own, the fingers tangled in his hair, and the soft noises he was making all seemed to etch themselves into his mind. He heard himself make a small disapproving sound as Touya broke their kiss and looked at him. Even his eyes were the same, burning like they had been when he had been sick with fever.

"Are you sure this is what you want, Shindou?" Touya's voice was rough, slightly breathless, and Hikaru thought he detected a note of uncertainty. It made something inside his chest flutter.

"I'm positive." He had the satisfaction of watching the uncertainty melt away before Touya kissed him again. This time Touya was kissing him desperately, not holding back at all. Hikaru started to become aware of a need building in him that could only be satisfied by getting closer to Touya. He managed to undo Touya's tie while the other boy was preoccupied with kissing his neck. He tossed it to the floor absently. Touya's tongue traced circles against his skin and he had to give up on unbuttoning Touya's shirt. It required more concentration than he was capable of at the moment. Somehow, Touya's hand moved lower and he gasped and pressed hard against him.

He could feel himself spiraling out of control as the world seemed to rapidly melt away in a blur of sensations. Hikaru had a hard time understanding why they hadn't done this a long time ago. Even that thought trailed away as he felt Touya's lips against his chest.

They both jumped suddenly as a loud banging resounded through the small bathroom. They heard an irritated sounding voice coming from outside, "Why is this door locked?"

"Crap! I think it's one of the people I'm tutoring." Hikaru glanced at his watch. "It's been a long time."

"We have to go back." Touya spoke matter of factly, but Hikaru could feel him shaking, his breath harsh against Hikaru's ear.

"Just a minute!" Hikaru shouted to whoever it was that was still banging against the door. Then he leaned his head against Touya's shoulder. "I don't want to go back," he whispered.

"Neither do I, but it doesn't look like we have a choice. And standing like this probably isn't helping matters." Hikaru was still pressed against him, unable to give up the feeling of intoxication that came from touching Touya. "Come on, Shindou. We have to make ourselves presentable."

Reluctantly, Hikaru pulled away from Touya's warmth and scooped his tie off the floor, handing it to him.

"Thanks." Touya began attempting to retie the tie but couldn't seem to manage it with his unsteady hands.

"Let me help." Hikaru approached him and began trying to figure out the tie. "We're really lucky those people didn't just barge in." He paused, "Did you know what was going to happen when you came in here? Is that why you locked the door?"

Touya shook his head. "I just assumed we would get into another argument. I'm sorry, Shindou. I should have listened to you before this. I was just so mad after you ran away in the park. I thought maybe you sensed I was attracted to you and ran away because you were disgusted."

Hikaru laughed. "It sounds like we were both worried about the same thing. But we don't have to worry anymore." Hikaru stopped working on the tie and instead pressed his lips firmly against Touya's. The tie was momentarily forgotten in the moments that followed. More banging and they both jumped again.

"Shindou-sensei, are you in there?"

Hikaru groaned. It was the woman from his tutoring group. "Yes, I'm here. I'll be out in just a minute," he answered.

"Oh, are you sure you're all right?"

"I'm fine, just give me five more minutes." He pressed his face into Touya's neck, but Touya gently pushed him away.

"Come on. We have to get going."

Hikaru looked down at himself. "I don't know if I can go out there like this."

Touya laughed. "I don't think you fixing my tie is going to help the situation for either of us. Splash your face with some cold water and stay over there." He gestured to the sink.

Hikaru sighed, but followed his instructions. Five minutes later they were both semi-presentable.

"I have to go to a private tutoring session right after this, Shindou. But I want to talk to you. Wait for me after this session is over."

Hikaru nodded and they both headed to their respective classes. He had to do a lot of explaining to his class. Two of the people seemed worried, and one was extremely annoyed that his bathroom break had gone on for so long. He ended up telling them that he had felt sick, but was now completely recovered.

"Your face still looks flushed, Sensei," one of the men pointed out. "Are you sure you don't have a fever?"

Crap, he and Touya really had the worst possible timing. "It's just that it's a little warm in here,” he managed to get out.

"Not that warm. Are you sure you're all right?"

"I'm fine. Now let's take a look at the move Ishigawa-san just made." He succeeded in directing their attention back to the goban. Now if only it would stay there. He glanced across the room to see how Touya was faring. The other pro looked as calm and collected as always, but there was still a hint of a blush on his pale cheeks. It made Hikaru happy to know that he had been the cause. Touya caught him looking in his direction and smiled in a way that made Hikaru's breath catch. He looked at his watch. Only half an hour to go.

The minutes dragged by. His students seemed to be asking the same questions over and over. He was too happy to be annoyed with them, though. When he thought about being with Touya in the bathroom he felt lightheaded. Finally, the session came to an end. His students thanked him, although Hikaru could tell one of them was still irritated. The woman advised him to get a lot of sleep that night, and drink plenty of fluids. Hikaru gave up trying to convince her that he wasn't sick and promised that he would.

His students filed out, and he impatiently waited for Touya to finish talking to an older man. Touya couldn't seem to get away from the man and Hikaru grew frustrated. It had been a long time since the session had ended and hadn't Touya said he had to be somewhere after this? They weren't going to have any time to talk. He sat down on a chair and began sending the guy irritated looks, hoping that he would get the message. Then he heard Touya raise his voice.

"I'm sorry, but as I told you, I'm not taking any other students for private tutoring. My schedule is full and I have to go meet one of my students now. I'm already running late."

Hikaru sensed the unspoken _because of you_ and could tell that the man did as well, because he now looked angry.

"If you were anywhere near as smart as your father you would know who you're talking to, young man. It's obvious that you're never going to have the maturity to be the player that he is."

Touya looked unimpressed with the man's words, but Hikaru had had it. He jumped up from his chair and walked over to them.

"If he's never going to be the player his father is, why do you want him to tutor you so much?"

"Shindou, stay out of this." Touya glared at him but Hikaru refused to back down.

The man turned his irritated gaze on Hikaru. "And who exactly are you?"

"Shindou Hikaru. Now you need to leave Touya alone because he has somewhere he has to be. And he already told you no."

"Really. Shindou Hikaru. And you wouldn't be interested in taking on a student would you?"

Hikaru looked at him in disbelief. "You've got to be kidding. I thought you wanted Touya."

"I know your record as well, young man. It's quite impressive."

Hikaru couldn't disguise his laughter. "I have better things to do with my time."

"I'm willing to pay quite well."

Hikaru shook his head. No amount of money would be worth spending his free time with this man.

As if he could sense his thoughts, the man spoke again. "I don't need this tutor for me. It's for my son. He's been quite ill for some time and his dream has always been to play Go with a pro."

Hikaru groaned inwardly. This man was definitely laying it on thick.

"I don't know…"

"Shindou, let's go." Touya was tugging at his arm firmly.

"My son may not have much longer to live." The man's voice wavered and he looked down at the floor.

Dammit! Hikaru couldn't take this anymore. Just as he was about to agree to be the tutor, Touya's voice interrupted the silence.

"I'll do it once. Just once. And if it goes well we'll see about doing it more. But I have to warn you again, my schedule is very busy."

The man's face brightened instantly. "You won't regret this." He handed Touya his business card. "I'll give you a call at the Go Institute and we'll set up the details."

"Fine. We have to go now." Still clutching Hikaru's arm Touya dragged him firmly away.

"Why'd you do that? I would have volunteered. You already have tons of people to tutor and that guy seems like an ass."

"It's okay, Shindou. One more student won't kill me. And I think I might know that man from somewhere. He seems very familiar."

"He also seems very manipulative." Hikaru frowned in the direction of the man’s back.

"I think I can handle it. And it's only for one lesson. I don't have to do it again if it doesn't go well."

"As long as you still have time for me." Hikaru smiled at the other boy and felt himself melt as Touya met his eyes.

"I don't think that will be a problem."

Hikaru couldn't resist pulling Touya against him, but Touya pushed him away gently.

"We are in a public place, Shindou. Not that I don't wish we weren't. And now I really have to get to that tutoring session."

"Okay. But why don't you come to my house tomorrow and we'll play a few games?"

"Hmm…games? Sounds good to me." He looked at Hikaru like he was trying to resist something and then seemed to give in, pulling him close for a moment and brushing his lips against Hikaru's cheek. Then he turned away. "I'll see you tomorrow!"

"Okay." Hikaru watched Touya leave and smiled, touching the place on his cheek where Touya's lips had brushed.


	9. Barriers

Hikaru slammed the door as he left the house, impatient to get to the Go salon and meet Touya. He hadn't seen Touya in almost a week because they had both been so busy and they had only managed to talk on the phone a few times. It was especially frustrating because they had tried to work things out for so long, and now that they had, they couldn't even spend a few minutes together. Still, every time he thinks about Touya he’s reminded of those moments where they touched in the bathroom and the fluttery feeling in his stomach comes back.

Even Ishikawa-san noticed when he bounded in the door of Touya's father's Go salon.

"Shindou-kun! It's been a long time. You certainly look cheerful today."

"I guess I've been in a good mood lately," he replied. That was certainly understating things.

"Well, maybe you can cheer up Akira-kun. He looked a little down when he came in."

Hikaru frowned. Why wouldn't Touya be as happy as he was? A dark thread of worry pushed away at his happiness. "Where is he?"

"In your usual place. And don't look so worried, Shindou-kun. I'm sure it's nothing serious."

Hikaru smiled in a half-hearted attempt to reassure her. "I hope so," he answered.

Touya was in their usual isolated corner, away from the staring eyes and cigarette smoke of the many old men who came there to socialize and play Go. Just seeing him made Hikaru feel better. "Touya!" he called.

Touya had been absently placing stones on the goban, and when he looked up Hikaru saw that he was paler than usual. Still, his face brightened into a smile when he saw Hikaru.

"Shindou. I wasn't sure if you were coming."

"Not coming? Why wouldn't I have been coming?"

Touya looked at his watch. "Well, you are half an hour late."

"What? I am not! We were supposed to meet at 6:30. I even have it written down. Look!" He showed Touya his hand where he had written, _6:30 – Touya_ , after they had talked on the phone the night before.

Touya glanced at Hikaru's hand and then back at the goban. "You're right." He paused, "I must have got the time wrong."

Hikaru frowned. This wasn't like Touya at all. "Are you all right? You look pale."

"I'm fine." Touya wouldn't meet his eyes. "Let's just play."

Hikaru wasn't letting it slide that easily. He knew Touya well enough to know that when he acted strange like this it meant something was bothering him. Something he obviously didn't want to talk to Hikaru about. "Why weren't you mad if you thought I was late?" he asked.

"I just assumed something had come up. Did you want me to be mad?" Touya still wasn’t meeting his eyes.

"Yes." Then at least Touya would be acting like himself.

"Well, I'm not." This time Touya stood up from his chair and pulled Hikaru against him, kissing him hard enough that all thoughts of his strange behavior disappeared in a haze. Just as abruptly, Touya released him. "Now, let's play,” he said.

Hikaru was feeling slightly dazed. "You expect me to play now?"

"If I didn't distract you too much."

"I can't believe you did that. What if someone had seen us?" Hikaru asked, looking around abruptly, but there weren’t many people in the salon yet and they were far enough away that it didn’t look like anyone had noticed.

Touya now looked smug. "You weren't complaining at the time."

Hikaru stared at him. That's because your tongue was in my- He quickly pushed that thought away. "I'm not complaining now. You just caught me off guard."

Touya sighed, sitting back down. "It's been a long week." He paused and they did the nigiri. "You're black."

Hikaru took the black stones wordlessly, hoping Touya would say more. Instead there was an awkward silence and they began to play.

It was strange to play Touya when a few moments before he had been kissing him. Even when they weren't touching, he could feel the intensity of the attraction between them. It was as if he couldn't stop noticing every small movement Touya made. He didn't let it distract him from the game, but he wondered if Touya could feel it too. As the game went on however, Touya didn't look like he could feel anything other than the stones beneath his hands. His play was flawless but unpredictable, and Hikaru didn't know if his own ability to read ahead was going to give him the edge he needed to win this time.

Their game continued in silence. The only noise was the soft clink of the stones. Hikaru imagined that he could hear Touya's breathing, soft and steady. Finally, he couldn't take the silence anymore.

"You seem determined today," he commented.

Touya looked up with a start from his intent study of the goban. "I guess you could say that. Although I'm not really any more determined than I am any other day. Looking for excuses because you're losing?" 

Hikaru let the question slide in the interest of not fighting and instead changed the subject. "What are you doing after this? I thought maybe you could come over to my house." That was where he had wanted to meet from the beginning, but Touya had insisted for some reason that they meet at the Go salon.

"I don't think so," Touya replied evenly. I have to tutor someone tonight."

Hikaru fought back his disappointment. "Who are you tutoring?"

Touya brushed a strand of dark hair from his face as he placed a stone. "The son of that man we met at the tutoring session last week."

"The one who's dying?" And from what he could tell, also had an extremely melodramatic and irritating father.

"That's right." Touya didn't volunteer any other information.

"Well, maybe you should cancel tonight. You look tired."

"I'm fine."

"Well, you don't look fine." And you’re acting weird – Hikaru managed not to say.

"I said I'm fine, Shindou!" Touya said in a raised voice, and then dropped the stone he had been holding with a clatter. He looked surprised at the sudden noise and stared at his hand as if he couldn't believe it had betrayed him that way. For some reason it made Hikaru want to touch him, to reassure him in some way.

"Touya…" his voice trailed off. Touya looked up at him, but Hikaru didn't know what to say. Not when Touya was so adamant about being fine when he obviously wasn't.

"I guess I am a little tired." Touya sounded like he couldn't believe those words were coming out of his mouth.

Abruptly, Hikaru stood up. "Let's get out of here."

"But the game," Touya objected weakly.

"The game doesn't matter. I want some time alone with you."

"I don't know if that's a good idea." Touya's voice trailed off and Hikaru walked over to him and bent over his chair. Leaning down, he looked around briefly to make sure they were in the clear and then kissed Touya gently. It felt even better than he remembered. Touya's lips were soft and firm against his, and so so warm. Touya made a noise halfway between a whimper and a moan, and Hikaru felt his legs become weak. He pulled away, causing Touya to sigh softly in protest.

"My place?" Hikaru asked, unable to keep his hand from touching Touya’s shoulder.

Touya shook himself as if coming out of a trance. "I can't, Shindou. I really do have a tutoring session right after this."

"So skip it. You've obviously been doing too much lately," he pointed out.

"I know you don't understand the meaning of the word responsibility, Shindou. But I do."

Now Hikaru was getting irritated. "Touya, come on! You need to take some time off. Or you're not going to be able to fulfill your so-called responsibilities. Even I understand that much."

"You don't know anything about it, Shindou!" His voice softened. "Look, I have to go."

"What? A second ago you said you had to go after this. We haven't even finished the game!" Hikaru could hear himself whining, but he couldn't bring himself to care.

"I didn't realize the time." Touya glanced at his watch. "Look, I'm sorry. We'll do something soon. This just isn't a good week for me." He stood up and turned to walk out.

"Wait." Hikaru caught his hand. "I need you this weekend," he said softly. It was the anniversary of Sai's disappearance and he didn't want to spend it alone.

"I don't know, Shindou. I have some things…"

"Please." He fought to keep the desperation out of his voice.

There was a short pause where Hikaru was sure Touya was going to say no, but then he just smiled gently. "I'll do my best, okay?"  
"It's really important, Touya."

"I said I'd do my best, Shindou. What more do you want?" Touya's eyes suddenly seemed far away.

I want you to care, Hikaru thought. But he knew that was unfair when Touya was obviously having problems of his own. "I want you to tell me what's wrong. I'm not just any person to you, you know." He reached out to touch Touya, but he jerked away.

"I have to go, Shindou."

"You can call me Hikaru, if you want."

"That might not be such a good idea in public."

"Well, in private then."

Touya's face softened. "Okay…Hikaru. I'll call you tonight. I promise"

Hikaru felt a thrill go through him when Touya said his name. Now if he could only work up to calling him Akira. He watched Touya leave with a vague feeling of unease. Frustrated, Hikaru thought about how much simpler things had been when Sai was with him. Then he had only seen Touya as his rival. All he had thought about was being as good as him. Catching up to him, so that he could play him again, and have a chance. He had been so focused on his goal that Sai had slipped away. He knew now that it hadn't been his fault, that Sai would always be with him when he played Go. But Sai being in his Go moves was a lot different than having him around all the time. He missed his friend.

Absently, he wondered what Sai would have thought about his current relationship with Touya. Sai had respected Touya Akira as a worthy opponent, but had been much more interested in Touya's father, the Meijin. One thing he was sure of, it definitely would have been more awkward for him to have a physical relationship with Touya when Sai was around. He felt his face heat even thinking about it.

Slowly, he cleaned up the goban and gathered his things. The day definitely hadn't gone the way he had wanted it to. Thinking about the feel of Touya's lips against his he realized he still hadn't talked to Touya about their first kiss, when he had been sick. He wondered absently if Touya really didn't remember what had happened that day or if it was all a front to keep his dignity intact. Then he wondered why he hadn't thought of that earlier.

Ishikawa-san smiled at him on the way out. "I saw Akira-kun rush out of here in a hurry. Things didn't go so well, huh? Did you get into another fight?"

"Not really," he replied. "I just think he's doing too much lately and needs to slow down. He doesn't seem to want to hear it."

"Akira-kun has always been stubborn. But I think he'll listen to you eventually. Just don't give up. He needs a friend like you in his life."

Privately Hikaru wondered if he wasn't just giving Touya more things to worry about. "Thanks, Ishikawa-san. I'll see you later."

That night Hikaru tried not to think about Touya. He understood that Touya had a lot of responsibilities and was very busy, but he couldn't help wanting to spend more time with him. He was a pro too, but he wasn't so busy that he couldn't make time for the people he cared about.

He jumped when the phone rang and his heart skipped a beat. So much for not thinking about Touya and his promise to call that night.

"It's for you, Hikaru!" His mother called for him from the bottom of the stairs and he almost tripped in his determination to get to the phone. Finally he made it down and grabbed the phone, leaving her shaking her head at him.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Shindou. It's Waya."

Hikaru's heart fell. "Oh."

"Oh? You don't sound very happy to talk to me. You were hoping it was someone else, weren't you? Maybe Touya Akira?"

Hikaru glared ineffectively at the phone. "Is there something you want, Waya?"

"Actually, yes. Isumi and I wanted to see if you want to hang out this weekend. He said something about this time of year being hard for you."

Of course Isumi would remember the forfeited matches since he was the one who had ended up confronting Hikaru about them. And both Isumi and Waya had witnessed his bad mood last year at this time. "I don't know, I might be busy." 

"Doing something with Touya?"

"Maybe."

"Well, if you guys get into another fight feel free to call us. We won't back out on you."

Hikaru knew Waya just wanted to help, but his distrust of Touya continued to grate on Hikaru’s nerves. "Thanks, but he won't back out." 

"Okay. I'll talk to you later. And Shindou,” Waya hesitated for a moment and Hikaru wondered if he was going to continue, “if you want to be friends or whatever with Touya I understand. Well, I don’t understand, but I’m okay with it. I was just giving you a hard time."

Hikaru sighed. Waya was a better friend than he gave him credit for. “That’s okay, Waya. Thanks for looking out for me. I’ll talk to you later.”

For the rest of the evening Hikaru forced himself not to think about Touya. He recreated some games on his goban and even cleaned his room, something his mother had been nagging him about for a few weeks. But nothing was enough to distract him from the fact that when it was time for bed, Touya still hadn't called.


End file.
